They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
wow bdsm is so cute
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
