Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
