Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
