i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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