i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't deserve a penis
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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