38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
