Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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