I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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