bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
