Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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