Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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