Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
