have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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