im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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