Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Houston, we have a blender
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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