I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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