I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
