He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
