What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
