I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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