i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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