so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
