you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
