I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
