yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I looked at my own cervix.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize