he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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