idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
