he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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