I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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