I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
