so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
