Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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