Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
