When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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