what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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