If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
