standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm just crazy horny about you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
