The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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