If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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