I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
