I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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