I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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