Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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