We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
