I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
