Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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