Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
