im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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