who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
