Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
bring money and cleavage
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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