Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
