Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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