How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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