Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
