why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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