Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
