Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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