I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
