her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
