i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
