my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
